Kelpie Scottish Myth explained. What is a Kelpie?

There are two types of kelpie stories, but both have the same purpose. One for children and the other… well we'll get to that in a bit.

Drowning Tales - How to Tame the Shape-Shifting Water Horse

Kelpies have far more clout in pop-culture about Scotland than the Haggis or, surprisingly, even the Unicorn. The appeal of a Scottish water horse spirit seems to have a far greater potential for intrigue than either of its mythical cousins.

Originally conceived as “a beware the waters edge” warning to keep the wee ones from straying too close to water, in a time before lifeguards.

Over time the kelpie has evolved through spoken culture the way most things do. By becoming cuddly through repetition, cinema portrayals, and plushie toys.

Kelpies began as a tribe of fallen angels, which split into three. Each branch became a different race of fairies, and so the blue men of the Minch or The Storm Kelpies came to be. 

For the most part they hung out in bodies of water in Northern Scotland. Their physical forms not all that different to humans, but blue, think people-sized sea smurfs. Though we are talking myth and fairies here, so that can change at a moment's notice depending on where the narrative needs to go.

Friedrich Justin Bertuch, picture book for children, 1790-1830, mythical creatures 2
Spoilers None of the creatures above are Kelpies.
Fig 5 is a Hippocampus, nice try Timmy!
Image via Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:J.F.Bertuch-Fabelwesen2.JPG

The Kelpies would spend their time snoozing on their backs just below the water surface, waiting for wayward ships that they could capsize and drag into the depths.

Apparently, they could have really used Netflix or waterproof scrabble.

When an unsuspecting vessel arrived, their Chief would challenge the Ship Captain to a rap battle. His blue kelpie knees weak, his chest covered in spaghetti would spit the unforgettable line:

Man of the black cap what do you say, As your proud ship cleaves the brine?

If the skipper of the vessel doesn’t know the rest of the verse of this forgotten hip-hop hit, well lets just say, they’re about to get wet. Either they get sunk and drowned with the ship, or the blue men would board them and demand tribute.
Which is probably even more ominous than it sounds.

Here’s the rest of the poem so you can be ready if you’re ever about to be hijacked by the original Blue man group.

Notorious K.E.L.P.I.E: 
Man of the black cap what do you say,
As your proud ship cleaves the brine?

You:
My speedy ship takes the shortest way
And I'll follow you line by line

50p:
My men are eager, my men are ready,
To drag you below the waves

You: 
My ship is speedy, my ship is steady
If it sank, it would wreck your caves.

*This is the point where you drop the mic and the gang of kelpies withdraw back to their underwater caves to tell their families that they weren't beat - they just weren't in the mood to fight*

The other type of Kelpie is the better known horsy type.

Commonly described to be grey, white, or black so as to camouflage with the changing shades of Scottish water. Their habitat also varies depending on the depiction, some say they hang out near rivers and waterways, others insist that they haunt lochs.

All however agree that the spirit is a shapeshifter which can take human shape. The purpose of this disguise of course depends on who is telling the story. The part that makes this very fun is that although they seemed fully human in all other ways, they would still have their hooves.

image via Wikipedia:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Thekelpie_large.jpg

Sometimes they take the form of scantily clad lassies or lads and booty call drunks who are stumbling home alone from the pub. 

In order to detract from the fact that they still had hooves the Kelpie would focus extensively on creating a pair of knockers that could not be ignored, or that other thing that the masculine folk have.

It was a different time, if they’d had Deliveroo I’m sure they would have just hung out at home in their underwear and ordered a curry. An unwashed 17th century drunken man garnished only set of clothes he owns and a Loch water dipping sauce couldn’t have been all that great a meal.

Look at this poor lass, had a the worst one star meal of her life on the shore of Loch Earn she did.

Image via Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Kelpie_by_Thomas_Millie_Dow.jpg

The lazier Kelpies would summon children to the water’s edge with song, though thankfully those times they would be properly dressed. They would call the wee ones to play, coaxing them nearer while they insisted that they definitely had a box full of puppies, limited edition pop-vinyls, and candy in their unmarked white van which they’d parked just below the waterline.

To get back on track here, because it’s hard to not get excited about a shapeshifting water horse and disappear on tangents. 

For now I’ll leave you with another fun story about these Scottish mythical creatures, if you were to see a Kelpie in its horse-form and you also happened to be carrying horse tack stamped with a crucifix, you could trap the Kelpie in that shape and have yourself a kelpie slave.

Which seems like a completely dickish thing to do.

The Kelpies of Falkirk

Last thing to mention here is The Kelpies, a massive pair of steel horse-heads genuinely will catch you off guard if you’re not expecting them when you’re driving down the M9 motorway.

Designed by Andy Scott they were unveiled in April 2014, and on a personal note none of the photos do them justice. Genuinely. 

©User: Colin / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 4.0
Image via Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Kelpies_1-1_Stitch.jpg

I think I'm going to dig a lot deeper into this lore in a future article.
In the meantime, I think it's probably wise stay away from deep water if you’ve been on the sauce.

Unless you're looking for the worst tinder date of your life.